Parenting with Style

When my husband and I held our daughters for the first time, we didn’t know anything about anything! Of course, we understood the basics of care, but as far as how to parent? That one was a mystery. We talked often about the things our parents did and made decisions about what we wanted to bring into our parenting and what we definitely did not want to perpetuate. With each new stage of life, through trial and error (heavy on the errors), we found methods that worked along with the things that flopped. Over the years, we’ve come to understand that although we all lean toward a particular style of parenting, it’s important to allow the Lord to help us grow and change so that we can raise our kids in a godly way.

So why do we parent the way we do, and how can we honor God while doing it—even when we mess up?

Generally speaking, there are four major parenting styles:

• Authoritative – Think loving but firm. You set the rules and explain the reasons behind them. You give your child age-appropriate responsibilities and teach them to have self-discipline and confidence. This style fosters open communication between parent and child. You listen to and guide your child toward increasing self-discipline, independence, and confidence by giving age-appropriate responsibilities and allowing him or her to make some decisions for themselves. You’re not trying to be your child’s best friend, but you’re not a drill sergeant either.
  
• Authoritarian – Rules, rules, and more rules without much wiggle room. “Because I said so.” is the cornerstone of this parenting approach. This style is characterized by high expectations, consistent discipline, and an emphasis on respect for authority. Authoritarian parents often impose strict consequences with little explanation about why their child is being disciplined. These parents’ hearts are often in the right place as they want their kids to be respectful and responsible.
  
• Permissive – These parents want to be “yes” people. They don’t love saying no, and boundaries are more like suggestions. Permissive parents tend to avoid conflict to keep the peace. They let their kids explore freely and place a high emphasis on making sure they’re happy. Open communication between parent and child is one of the main goals. This style can help kids develop wonderful creativity, the freedom to express themselves freely, and it offers a lot of independence.
  
• Neglectful – This style is a detrimental one characterized by minimal parent involvement and lack of or inconsistent supervision and discipline. Parents don’t engage in their kids’ activities, and they may not follow through on making sure their kids’ needs are met. Most of these parents don’t intentionally choose to raise their kids this way. Instead, it’s often the result of being continually overwhelmed, exhausted, distracted, or weighed down by the pain from childhood or life circumstances.

Our parenting styles come primarily from our own childhoods. We often parent the way we were parented. Sometimes intentionally (“I want to raise my kids just like my mom and dad did.”) and sometimes in opposition (“I’m never doing what my parents did!”). Add in our own personalities, culture, stress, and social media’s picture of perfect families and our style forms. And let’s not forget that our kids are all different, too. What works with one child might not work with another.

However, your parenting style isn't set in stone. Because circumstances are ever-changing, the need to switch things up presents itself. Having to alter your parenting style doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re growing.

God is constantly shaping us. In parenting, He teaches us to grow in patience, humility, wisdom, and faith. If you notice that your current style leans a little too hard into control or chaos, you can take small steps to course correct. Start by asking God to show you where you might need a heart adjustment. Then, talk to your spouse, a trusted friend, or a mentor. Read, learn, pray, and try again. And again. And again. Your willingness to grow is godly parenting.

Godly parenting isn’t about perfection—it's about progress. Here’s what it looks like, no matter what your style:

• Lead with love – The goal is to display a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love–patient, kind, and not easily angered.
• Discipline with purpose – Hebrews 12:11 reminds us that discipline, though painful at the time, produces righteousness. Not punishment for punishment’s sake, but guidance with grace.
• Model God’s character – Your kids are watching how you handle stress, failure, and adversity. Show them what forgiveness, compassion, humility, and faithfulness look like.
• Point to Jesus often – In the little things and the big moments, make Him the center of your family. Pray together. Talk about God when you’re driving, eating, doing laundry, or cleaning up the third mess of the day (Deuteronomy 6:7).

God doesn’t require you to be a perfect parent—just a present one. One who seeks Him, apologizes when mistakes are made, and keeps showing up, doing the best you can.

You can be authoritative, permissive, or just trying to figure it all out—and still raise kids who know they’re loved by you and loved even more by God. Remind yourself often to take a deep breath and remember that you’re doing better than you think you are. With the Lord’s help, you can be the godly parent He’s called you to be.