Helping Parents Find Their Style
In our role as youth workers, we often have opportunities to interact and work with parents. At some point, parents may even come to us looking for parenting advice. The question is, what advice can we give when two parents have different parenting styles, and it is causing conflict?
It doesn’t take much time to scroll on social media to see that there is a plethora of parenting styles being touted by influencers and users alike. Some share similarities, and others contradict each other. In addition, parents grew up in different homes themselves and have reactions, both good and bad, to the way they were parented. Thus, they have strong opinions on how they want to parent their kids, which may differ from their spouse. This can become even more readily apparent as their children reach their teen years. As a youth worker who may or may not be a parent, our best bet is to point parents to biblical principles.
Start With The Bible
As Christians, our most valuable resource for parenting is Scripture. Rather than getting into the weeds of which style is most effective or best, what might be most beneficial is to ask parents what their goal is for parenting. What is the vision they have for their teen ten years from now? I would argue that the Bible would imply that the goal of parenting is to raise a child to become a lifelong follower of Christ, someone who knows, loves, and submits to the authority of Jesus. The job of a parent is to disciple their children to become disciples of Christ. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” While not necessarily a promise, this is a best practice. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 tells us to consistently and continually teach children the way of the Lord.
The question should not be which parenting style is best or right, but how are parents pushing their teens to know and love Jesus better? Are the rules they are establishing and enforcing teaching them biblical principles and molding their hearts to be more like Jesus? Are the ways they are correcting and disciplining reflecting both the justice and grace of God? Are they promoting redemption and restoration of relationships in the way they parent and discipline?
Evaluate Communication
Much of the conflict in parenting styles between parents may be attributed to a lack of communication. Parents need to understand the “why” behind each other’s parenting style. If they are able to verbalize to each other what their goal is for their teen and why they think a certain parenting style will best help their child get there, as well as listen to their partner’s point of view, they will be better able to come to some sort of compromise. The key is to ask themselves the above questions, think through them, maybe even journal their answers, and then come together for an open, honest, engaging conversation with their spouse.
Facilitate Healthy Conversations
As a youth leader, you can be available to counsel and encourage parents. Another strategy to support parents is to organize short-term gatherings for parents of teens in similar stages of life or going through similar life circumstances. There seems to be something powerful in parents sharing, commiserating, empathizing, and offering advice to other parents dealing with similar situations. These gatherings do not have to be highly structured or planned. It may even be something you could hand off to a key volunteer or parent to lead.
The job of discipling teenagers is too important and too complex for parents to navigate alone. When parenting styles clash, church leaders have a unique opportunity to come alongside families with grace, clarity, and truth. You don’t have to resolve every disagreement that parents have or “fix” every parenting style, but you can help parents focus on the gospel as they seek to lead their kids. Point parents toward what you hope is their true mission: to raise teenagers who love and follow Jesus. Equip them to communicate, listen, and learn from one another, and create environments where they don’t have to feel alone. Because when parents are strengthened, their teens are, too. And that’s a win for every family and for your church.
