When Parents Know You Are Safe
It was a Sunday morning, and I was walking down the hallway of our church in between services. I ran into a couple that I knew fairly well. They have three sons, and one of them was my son’s age and had been in a small group with him for years. The mom had been a youth leader for a few years, but I hadn’t seen them at our church in a while. I was glad to see them. I casually ask them the normal question, “How are you guys doing?” The mom looked at me and said, “Not good!” She proceeded to break down and cry…a lot! I quickly invited them into a classroom so we could talk. While spending over an hour with them, I learned that all three of their boys were struggling in their faith and making a number of choices their parents were not happy with. They felt like total failures as parents. I tried to encourage them the best I could, and we prayed together. As we left, I asked the mom, “Is there anything else I can do for you guys?” She said, “Can we get together again next week?” I told them we could, and so we proceeded to meet together for not just the next week, but for the next several weeks. At week three, she said, “You know, there are a lot of other parents who feel like we do and are struggling. Can we invite some of them to join us next week?” I told them, of course! So, they began to invite other parents who were also struggling with influencing their young adult children. To make a long story short, that couple, along with a few others, essentially started a ministry at our church, helping parents who both feel like a failure and still want to have an influence on their kids.
Just this week, I’ve had three or four interactions with other parents of teenagers who are struggling in a variety of different ways. When their kids began to stray away and go off the rails, parents often didn’t know what to do and were embarrassed. They feel like a failure and struggle to be honest about what is happening in their home. All of our churches are full of parents who feel this way, and we, as ministry leaders, have an opportunity to step into a painful yet special type of ministry. As we do, there are a few things that we must remember:
Ask parents how they are doing, and don’t let them just give you the surface answers. Most parents have learned how to give the polished, socially acceptable response, even when their world is falling apart. Slow the conversation down. Ask a second and third question. Make eye contact. Give them room to breathe and permission to be honest. Often, simply knowing that someone genuinely wants to hear the truth opens the door to ministry.
Don’t be judgmental and criticize parents for the way they have raised their kids.
Parents are already carrying enough guilt, fear, and second-guessing. What they need from us is not a critique but compassion. Remind them that every parent, every single one, has blind spots, missteps, and seasons of struggle. Instead of pointing out where they fell short, point them toward God’s grace and the ongoing work He can still do in their family.
Provide spaces for parents where they can talk to each other. Community is often the turning point. When parents hear another mom or dad say, “We’re walking through something similar,” it breaks the isolation that fuels shame. Create intentional environments like small groups, support gatherings, or coffee conversations. Give parents a place where they can listen, laugh, cry, and learn together. Sometimes healing begins simply by realizing, “We’re not the only ones.”
Find resources for parents who feel like they are failing and point them to the truth of Scripture as they lead. Books, articles, podcasts, classes, and counselors can be lifelines when parents feel overwhelmed. Curate and recommend tools that help them navigate real issues with biblical wisdom. But don’t stop at handing them information. Walk them back to the hope and authority of Scripture, helping them anchor their heart in what God says is true, about Him, about them, and about their children.
Finally, give parents hope in Jesus, hope for the future, and hope for their kids. Many parents in crisis can only see the moment they’re in. They need someone to gently lift their chin and remind them that God is not finished with their child or their story. Speak words of hope rooted in the character of Christ. Help parents imagine what redemption could look like. Encourage them to keep showing up, keep praying, and keep loving, because God is at work even when they can’t see it.
If you can apply some of these ideas and create a culture where parents feel comfortable being real and admitting that they need help, it will transform your ministry to families. Be a safe place for parents to share, be, and heal as they continue to navigate how to lead their family as well as they can.
