Tough Questions Ahead
Kids notice a lot of things around them, even if we don’t think they do. They catch snippets of conversations between adults, pick up information from TV, movies, and songs, and hear things from older kids on the bus or at school. We may not be aware when they’re listening. When we hear things pop out of their mouths, it can be an abrupt reminder that they are sponges, taking in what they see and hear around them and trying to make sense of it.
When my oldest was about 8, we went out for dinner with a couple of other families. At one point, she leaned over and matter-of-factly asked my husband what a very offensive swear word meant. Although he was internally shocked, he didn’t appear that way to her. He quietly asked where she had heard the word and found out that it was scratched on the side of a playground slide. He didn’t define it for her but said that it was a swear word that some people used. He emphasized it wasn’t something we would ever say in our family because it wasn’t a polite and respectful way to talk. The conversation was short and to the point, and she was satisfied with his simple answer.
If you haven’t already experienced a situation like this with a child, be assured that hard questions will eventually come your way. There are aspects of parenting that we need to be intentional about–handling our kids’ difficult questions well is one of them. Secular culture is ready to provide answers that often stand in opposition to God’s best. If we shy away from answering our kids’ hard questions, it can lead them to find explanations elsewhere. What we want to do is show them consistently that they can trust us with all of their questions while they’re young so that they’ll continue to voice them to us when they reach their preteen and teen years.
Here are some things to keep in mind when your children ask you tough questions:
Remember that kids’ questions are innocent.
When my daughter asked about the swear word, it wasn’t intended to shock us. She legitimately didn’t know how offensive the word was; she just wanted to know what it meant. We have to be ready for our kids to ask things that throw us completely off guard. If our faces, tone of voice, or body language show our shock, it can communicate to our kids that there’s something bad or shameful about what they asked and possibly cause them to feel like they did something wrong. If we want them to come to us with any and all of their questions, we need to remind ourselves to respond calmly and patiently.
Remember that questions offer teachable moments.
We can certainly teach our kids new things by initiating a conversation ourselves, but the times when a child opens the door with a question are invaluable. When kids want to know things like where babies come from or why boys and girls have different anatomy, it’s often a sign that they’re ready to learn real facts at an age-appropriate level. Use these moments to answer honestly and avoid fictional explanations like ordering babies from Amazon. (Don’t laugh–I’ve known parents who’ve done this!) Kids are really good at sensing when adults aren’t telling them the truth. Showing your children that they can count on you to provide solid answers helps to build trust-filled relationships.
Remember that hard questions are universal.
We all wrestle with questions that aren’t easily answered, but children give voice to them far more often than teens or adults. Questions about the Bible, God, death, natural disasters, and evil in the world aren’t uncommon for any of us, children included. When our kids communicate that they have serious questions, it can be unsettling because we don’t expect the depth of their thoughts. We don’t want them to dwell on the sad truths of living in a world broken by sin. We want to protect them from it. However, working through tough questions is as important for them as it is for adults. The answers can take away the fear of the unknown and help deepen their understanding of the Lord and His Word. Offering answers to the big questions with honesty and gentleness and providing them with age-appropriate information is always a good idea.
Your kids will certainly challenge you with their questions–first by the sheer number of them and then by the difficulty of answering them. You are not expected to know how to handle each one on your own. None of us can do that. When you need to call in backup, don’t hesitate. Your church leaders can help you with ideas and resources to guide you when you’re not sure what to say or do. Above all, pray for the Lord’s wisdom to know what to say and how to say it when the tough questions come. Ask Him to help you create a relationship with your kids that invites them to continue bringing their questions to you throughout their lives.
