Guiding Teens Through the Tough Questions
A few years ago, we decided to do a series at youth group about mental health. It was called “Scarred.” It was before the national conversation had emerged, and it felt kind of risky. At that point, I had been in ministry for over two decades and had never really heard anyone step into these kinds of conversations, especially with teenagers. Were we ready to handle the aftermath of this conversation? Were we prepared to counsel and care for students who were willing to open up about their questions and the things they were struggling with? Did we need to alert parents so they would be able to pay attention to their teen if anything bubbled up at home?
We had decided that we wanted to be a safe place for these kinds of conversations. We wanted teenagers to feel the freedom to ask the tough questions and wade into difficult conversations. We knew that there was a lot that was going on in those teenage brains, and often, they had nowhere to express their curiosity without being judged. In this season of ministry, I heard someone use this quote: “Doubts aren’t toxic, but unexplored doubts are.” This phrase is commonly attributed to Alisa Childers, a Christian apologist, author, and speaker known for addressing issues of faith, doubt, and deconstruction within Christianity. As we opened the door to having real conversations about the real questions teenagers were asking, they began to trust our staff and leaders more and more, and this allowed us to get into the things that were really happening in their lives.
As you seek to help teenagers process the questions they are asking and help them navigate the difficult issues, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Model asking tough questions and seeking answers yourself.
Admit it; you still have questions, too. Sure, you may be settled and confident in a number of areas of life, but you need to be learning and growing, too. Don’t be a know-it-all who has an answer to everything. Stand on the truth of Scripture and point teenagers to their relationship with God, but do so with humility and a sense of wonder yourself. Let teenagers hear you asking tough questions and seeking the truth about your own life. Obviously, be discerning about what you share, but be authentic and honest as you continue on your faith journey. If you can model asking questions, you’ll give teenagers the freedom to ask the questions they have.
Point teenagers to their parents.
Sure, it’s fun to try to be the spiritual hero who has the answers and can point teens in the “right” direction, but their parents will be on the journey with them much longer than we will. Teens need to be able to trust their parents as they learn and grow and follow their lead.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. “But their parents don’t have a real faith and will likely lead them astray.” That is sometimes true, and we all need to balance offering truth to teens while still honoring their parents. One of the best ways to make sure you’re on the same page is to work to have the parents of the students in your midst grow as disciples themselves. We want the family to be a part of our churches, not just the teen. Build relationships with parents and invite them to be a part of your church and continue growing themselves.
As you engage with parents, encourage them to be willing to ask tough questions and have hard conversations. You have to remember that parents are the primary spiritual influences in their teenagers’ lives, so they do need to be the ones who lead the way when it comes to tackling hard questions. We all know that relationships have to be strong in order for real conversations to happen, so do whatever you can to facilitate teens and parents building stronger bonds with one another. Encourage parents to “freak out on the inside, not on the outside” when a question or situation comes their way that they weren’t expecting.
As we continue to try to build community, we want both our churches and homes to be safe places for teens to wrestle with the questions they have. As you think through how to deal with tough questions, model what you want to see and help families build the relationships they need to navigate these questions together.
