Encounter-Formation-Expression
During my young adult years, I learned a concept that I readily embraced. My personality was perfectly suited to take this idea and weave it into everyday life. In a lot of ways, holding onto this philosophy has served me well for decades. The idea is simple: Don’t let things you can’t control control you. There are a lot of things in life we simply can’t control, and it can be a huge drain on our time, energy, and emotions to let those things run the show. Instead, I learned to focus on what I could control. I can only control my response to whatever comes my way. That mindset worked really well at work, in relationships, and as I navigated all the chaos the world throws at us.
And then we had kids.
As you know, when kids enter the picture, everything changes. Suddenly, there are far more things you can’t control, and those things have a way of making you a little crazy. When kids are young, there’s still a lot we can manage. We control where they go, what they do, and much of what they consume. But it doesn’t take long to realize there’s one thing we never truly control: how they respond. God is shaping their personalities, their wiring, and their hearts, and our role is to nurture, guide, and encourage that process.
As our kids moved into their teenage years, I was introduced to another concept. This is one that our pastor talks about often. It became a helpful lens for understanding how people grow and change, and it gave us language for parenting in a world that was suddenly throwing a lot more at our kids. New ideas, new voices, and new influences were all shaping how they would see the world and live in it. Our role as parents wasn’t to shut all of that down, but to help them make sense of it.
The framework is simple, but powerful. En–F–Ex.
Encounter.
We all encounter things every day through our experiences. It’s what we see, hear, read, watch, and the people we spend time with. As kids move into their teenage years, parents naturally have less control over these encounters. School, friends, teams, social media, and screens expand their world quickly. We may not choose every encounter for them anymore, but those encounters still matter.
Formation.
What we encounter doesn’t just pass through us; it shapes us. Over time, our experiences begin to form our beliefs, our values, our assumptions, and even how we see ourselves. For our kids, formation is happening constantly, whether we’re paying attention or not. The voices they listen to, the stories they absorb, and the environments they’re in all leave a mark.
Expression.
Formation always shows up somewhere. It reveals itself in how we live. It comes out in our words, our attitudes, our decisions, and our behaviors. Expression is the outward evidence of what’s been happening internally. When our kids say or do things that surprise us (or concern us), it’s often connected to something they’ve encountered and how it’s been shaping them along the way.
From the moment we’re born, patterns begin forming, patterns of how we think, how we react, how we relate to others, and ultimately who we’re becoming. The same is true for our kids. And if encounters shape formation, and formation leads to expression, then it makes sense for us, as parents, to pay attention. Not with fear or control, but with curiosity and care.
What are they encountering? How might those experiences be shaping them? And how is that formation beginning to show up in their lives? When we ask those questions, we’re better equipped to step into meaningful conversations. We can help our kids connect the dots between what they’re taking in and how they’re living. We can gently guide them toward wisdom, truth, and discernment, especially toward the life and way of Jesus.
In all of it, there is good news. We don’t have to control everything to have influence. By staying engaged, building trust, and consistently pointing our kids back to what matters most, we become steady guides in a noisy world. And over time, those small, faithful moments of presence and conversation can shape a foundation that lasts.
