A Non-Anxious Presence
At this point in my life and career, I find myself in a lot of conversations with parents where they are looking for help and seeking advice. Part of this is because I’m old, part of it is because I’ve been a pastor for over three decades, and part of it is because my kids are young adults and we’ve been through it all. Either way, I love having the opportunity to listen to parents, offer encouragement, and give them any small amount of guidance that the Lord leads me to give. If you serve in ministry long enough, you’ll start to notice something about parents and what they’re looking for. Most parents don’t come to church looking for experts; they come looking for relief. They need relief from feeling behind. They need relief from feeling confused. They need relief from the quiet fear that they’re already messing things up, and they are failing as a parent. I can remember feeling all these things when our kids were little and so seemingly impressionable. These feelings just intensified as our kids moved into their teenage years.
As youth ministry leaders, one of the most important things we can do is to help parents slow down in the midst of a culture that moves really fast. Parents of teens don’t need more alarms or another list of things to be afraid of. They already feel behind the curve. What they need are leaders who bring stability into the chaos. They need people who remind them that formation is rarely loud or fast, and almost never linear. It happens over time, through trust, presence, conversation, and grace that shows up again and again. As you lead in your church and ministry, take the time to be what a mentor of mine calls a “non-anxious presence” in the lives of the parents you lead. Help them know that most of what is happening in their teenagers is normal. Help them zoom out and see a bigger picture instead of focusing just on the behavior of their kids.
One of the easiest ways to create an opportunity for parents to slow down and take a deep breath is to offer frequent parent conversations and gatherings. I’ve been a part of various forms of these for years, and I often say that when you get a bunch of parents in a room together, everybody’s blood pressure goes down. People hear stories and think, “Wait, that happens in your home too? Maybe we’re not crazy!” You don’t even have to present life-changing content; you just have to make space and be available. You can do this even if you aren’t a parent yourself. Creating an environment where people feel safe, can be authentic, and encourage one another can go a long way.
Another tangible thing we can do is help parents reframe how they define success during the teenage years. In a culture that values performance and visible results, parents can easily measure their effectiveness by their behavior and how “successful” their teenagers appear to be. But behavior rarely tells the whole story, and performance never fills someone up. We can remind parents to look for deeper markers of formation like honesty, trust, character, and a willingness to engage. All of this flows from having authentic relationships and a real connection. When parents begin to value connection over control, they create space for real discipleship to take root. Rules still matter, but relationships are what keep teenagers open to guidance and faith over time.
When we interact with parents, perhaps the most important thing we can do is remind them that faith formation isn’t about creating perfect conditions, it’s about maintaining a faithful presence. We want them to build a Christ-centered home that points their teenagers to a real relationship with God that impacts their everyday lives. Creating this kind of culture at home doesn’t require flawless theology or constant spiritual conversations. It grows through ordinary faithfulness: showing up after hard days, praying when words are scarce, admitting mistakes, forgiving quickly, and reminding teenagers that God’s grace is bigger than their worst moments.
The culture we live in will continue to move at a breakneck pace, and parenting teenagers will never feel or be simple or easy. But when we, as youth ministry leaders, choose to be calm, consistent, and grace-filled guides for parents, we offer something they so desperately need. We remind them they are not alone, they are not failing, and they are not running out of time. When we do this, we help them create homes where teenagers can grow in their faith in real ways that will help them build the foundation they will need for the rest of their lives.
