Responding to Digital Sin with Grace

I remember exactly where I was the first time my then fourteen-year-old son said, “Dad, can we have a conversation that’s just between you and I and we don’t have to tell mom about.” I pulled the car off to the side of the road and listened to my son tell me about how he had recently been looking at pornography online. As he sat, with much humility and brokenness, and told me all of the details, he thought he was giving me a new revelation into his personal life. In reality, I had discovered it a couple of days earlier and had been weighing my options for a response. I knew that my response was what would linger in his mind much longer than his own confession.

Much like my own children, the students in your youth group are going to fail when it comes to technology in their lives. It is not a question of if they will fail; it is a question of when they will fail. The digital issues our students are grappling with are far more extensive than any of us can appreciate. The way a parent responds to their failures will largely determine how they respond to their failures. That’s why it’s so important for us to help equip our parents to learn how to respond this way at home.

When students give in to the “dark side” of technology, they need accountability with their screens. Whether they let on or not, they long for their parents to give them boundaries, and from time to time, their parents may even have to remove privileges. This longing for boundaries comes out of a core need for protection. The first response should always be grace. Then, parents can move into conversations about creating accountability, establishing boundaries, or removing privileges.

Today’s digital world opens students up to the entire world, but the depth of potential destruction to their hearts and minds goes much deeper than exposure to nude photos and videos. Over 40 percent of teens admit to having sexual conversations through texts, and one in five of them have shared or received nude/semi-nude photos of themselves or others. Overuse of social media can wreak havoc on a teen’s self-worth. This can quickly lead to self-harm, depression, isolation, or bullying behavior. One wrong post on social media can damage a student’s public reputation and make their name trend in the school gossip mill.

When my son came to me to tell me of his struggles, my first words were, “I understand.” These are two of the most powerful words a parent can speak to their child in any situation. This doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences to their actions or potential loss of privileges, but those initial words of grace communicate a heart of compassion concerning the struggles in their life. Parents don’t have to excuse the behavior, but rather show their children that they have walked in their shoes before. Empathy shows an understanding of the struggles (and failures) of a growing teenager.

The second words I spoke to my son were, “I’m in this with you.” I could see his shoulders slump. The tension left his body when he realized that his own moral struggles do not mean that everything is ruined between us. I told him, “No matter how many times you fall in this pit, I will jump in it with you. Together we will find our way back to wholeness and holiness. I love you too much to let you fight these battles by yourself.” And with that, a wave of relief and brokenness rushed over him. Students need to know that even in their failure, their parents still have their backs and are looking out to protect their hearts and minds.

When parents extend grace in the midst of sin, it reassures their children that even mistakes aren’t powerful enough to push them away. Most importantly, it communicates that relationships extend beyond mere parent/child, but rather the two of them are on a spiritual journey together as fellow children of God.

When parents start with grace, it makes it easier for their child to listen as they process together what the next step should be. They may need to reevaluate boundaries or expectations. They may need to talk about consequences. But before any of this happens, give grace.

As youth leaders, our ministry goes beyond only responding to students when they stumble. We also get to step in to equip parents to lead with grace in those moments. Your words and actions can help set the tone for how families can process.

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community:

1. When a student in your ministry confesses a failure, what steps can you take to respond with grace towards them?
2. How can you equip parents in your church to balance boundaries with grace as they parent through digital struggles with their kids? 

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