A Survival Guide To Students Dating In Your Youth Group

There have been plenty of times when I’m in my church lobby, greeting new students, catching up with leaders, or finalizing a game setup, when suddenly, two students walk in holding hands. In that moment, I feel like I’ve got front row seats to The Office. In one episode, Michael is dating his boss, the next he’s dating Pam’s mom; you never know what’s coming next. As they walk in, the thoughts start running through my head. This could be the start of a high school sweetheart relationship where Jesus is honored, they grow deeper in their faith, and one day they will ask me to officiate their wedding… or this could turn into Avengers: Civil War next week when they break up. Either way, I know that everyone is about to feel it, and I (we) are the ones responsible for shepherding them in our Student Ministries.

Having students in dating relationships in your student ministry can feel like navigating a minefield. Quick story: We have a “no technology policy” at our student camp (which I highly recommend) to help minimize distractions. Two of my students who are in a dating relationship asked me each separately if they could bring their Apple Watches. Mind you, they don’t normally wear Apple Watches, so one could “monitor the weather” and the other could “track their heartbeat”. In short, so they could text each other from their watches. This allowed me to have great conversations with both about why we have policies in place, why we want to minimize distractions, and why I care deeply for them, even when I tell them, “No, you can’t bring your watch to track the weather at camp.” They almost had me.

If I'm honest, I used to avoid confrontation in the student dating world because I didn’t want to scare students off or make them feel unwelcome in our ministry. However, what I have learned, and what we all know, is that all students desire affection, attention, and community. Often, that desire is expressed through dating. Why miss this chance to point them to Jesus in a way that is full of grace, wisdom, and clarity? This short survival guide is meant to help you be more prepared to disciple students through dating, not to stop it from happening, but to guide it well when it walks through your doors.

DON’T CONDEMN DATING, SHEPHERD IT

I know there are quite a few opinions on dating out there, even some that emphasize courting over dating. Wherever you stand, dating isn’t inherently bad. It can be if it’s not guarded or held accountable. If you act like it’s forbidden or wrong, students will hide it from you and other ministry leaders within your ministry and instead turn back to social media or TV shows for dating advice, which is not what we want. Instead, shepherd it. Talk to students about what Christ-centered dating looks like. Ask questions, listen, and guide them through choices without shaming them. Remember, you were once a student navigating these same questions.

SET THE TONE EARLY

My boss helps coach football at one of our local high schools. Recently, I was able to go with him to participate in their 7 on 7 tournaments and practices, where they were teaching fundamentals, getting a feel for the game, and growing as a team. It would be foolish of any team to wait until the real games start back up to teach the basic fundamentals of football. I say that to say, don’t wait for the first drama or heartbreak to teach students about dating relationships. Set a clear vision of what healthy, Christ-centered dating looks like early on and often in your ministry. For you, this could look like a sermon series on dating, bringing in a solid couple from your church to lead a panel on dating (maybe even some of your leaders with strong, healthy marriages), and offering gender-specific studies or breakouts that challenge students to go deeper. Find things that will help teach students to approach dating with intentionality, respect, and to have faith at the center.

HELP THEM HANDLE BREAKUPS WELL AND PROTECT THE GROUP CULTURE

We all know the stats aren’t in favor of teenage relationships lasting long. So, hurt feelings, gossip, and cliques forming are all a part of the aftershock of a breakup. Teaching students how to respond with grace, work through all the emotions, and maintain community can be used as a discipleship opportunity. Breakups teach forgiveness, humility, and emotional maturity. Shepherd the students who experience breakouts, don’t shame them or throw up a “See, I told you that you shouldn’t date.”  With that, understand that your ministry’s culture is more important than any single couple’s dating drama or gossip. When those things creep in, it can fracture friendships and cause students to lose trust. Encourage your leaders to step in, shut down any disunity or gossip, redirect conversations, and remind students that Jesus and the community matter most.

FINAL ENCOURAGEMENT

Student dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare or a distraction in your ministry. If we’re willing to approach dating with grace, truth, and intentionality, dating becomes one of the best discipleship opportunities we will have with students. At the end of the day, our job is not to police their relationships but to shepherd them toward Jesus through every stage of life, which includes crushes, dating, and breakups.

PRACTICAL TIPS

• Create safe spaces for honest conversations about dating relationships
• Teach boundaries, respect, and Christ-centered dating before students start dating
• Model healthy relationships in how you talk about marriage, singleness, and dating. Be intentional with how you talk about love, sex, and commitment.
• Protect group culture at all costs by shutting down gossip and celebrating both single students and couples

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community:

1. How does your ministry currently address dating—do you avoid it, or disciple through it?
2. Are you equipping your leaders to handle dating drama, or leaving them on their own?

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