5 Essential Tips for Youth Pastors Who Feel Like Tapping Out

Narcissism, abuse, toxic leadership, vision starvation, burnout, unfair expectations, and overwhelming frustration. Like many of you, I have experienced these themes throughout my student ministry career, sometimes all at once. There were several times that I almost quit along the way. In fact, it took me 15 years to find a healthy staff and church dynamic, but when I finally landed there, I, myself, was far from healthy. I had handed over the keys to my own spiritual, emotional, and mental health to these situations, and I was deteriorating faster than my stomach after a post-youth group Taco Bell run. You get it; it was rough. What I didn’t realize was that with intentionality and effort, I could make it through even the most difficult ministry seasons and work with some of the most difficult people. Along this journey, I’ve grown and have been formed. Here are five key pieces of advice for those on the brink of tapping out:

UNDERSTAND YOUR CALLING

Your calling is not your identity, and youth ministry should not be your legacy. Be the best you can be at what you do, but don’t make it who you are. Your call came from God, and it is for the local church, but it did not come from the local church. You do not owe abusive leadership your allegiance, but you do owe it to Jesus. So, when our pursuit of ministry overtakes our relationship with God, it robs us of the life, joy, and wisdom that we need for every other relationship and responsibility that we have. We cannot sacrifice our time with God in pursuit of another good sermon, our community in the name of building it for others, or our health for the sake of misguided loyalty. Never skimp on time with God through the Word, Worship, and Prayer. Protect your family and your calling by knowing which leaders and churches to NOT follow.

TAKE A SABBATH, LIKE A REAL ONE

Let’s face it, ministry is demanding, people are needy, and no one is going to protect your time off for you. I get it, though, seriously, I LOVE my job, and I am built like a shark that will die if it stops swimming. But at some point, we grow tired, exhausted even, and so do our families. We were built for rest, it teaches us to trust that God is at work even when we aren’t. We were built for family and community; it teaches us who we are and how we function in this world. Yet, not taking time off robs us and our families of this blessing. We must throw off all feelings of guilt and prioritize, plan, and protect a true sabbath time, and then take every single vacation day that you have available. Remember, if any part of you is working, then you are cheating yourself and your family.

IT'S NOT WEAKNESS TO NEED SUPPORT

I mentioned earlier that I was far from healthy when I landed in the church I am at now, and it didn’t go unnoticed. There’s something about being around healthy leaders that reveals our need for greater health. So after avoiding it for so long, I finally went to see a professional counselor, and it was a game-changer. My sessions involved a lot of anger, laughter, and tears as I walked through the pain, joys, and trauma of the last 15 years of ministry. It was healing to have someone validate my emotions and help me understand how to navigate the way I was processing them. I learned that I wasn’t weak because I needed support; I was weak because I neglected it for so long. I was like an old rickety wooden bridge that was close to crumbling under the weight of what it was originally designed to handle. I needed an expert engineer (my counselor) to see the beauty in the design, to acknowledge the wear and tear, and to help address the areas that needed repair.

In the same vein, we need a mentor who doesn’t care about our church but cares about us. Mine is a man named Rich, and ironically, my life is far richer because he’s in it. He has held me and my wife as we wept; helped me to think through areas where I have been stuck, and snapped me out of problematic mindsets. Without him, I am not sure where I would be, but I know it wouldn’t be in ministry.

GET A PERSONAL TRAINER FOR YOUR PROFESSIONAL GROWTH

If we can better understand ourselves, then we can learn how to better thrive and build the right teams around us. I recently decided to build a shed and use it as an opportunity to teach my two young sons how to take a plan and make it a reality. This proved that each was gifted at something different, but neither of them was good at finishing the project. Likewise, we are each uniquely gifted and naturally skilled in different ways. No one is good at everything, and everyone has a few responsibilities that fill them with joy. Assessments like Working Geniuses and Clifton Strengths Finder are exceptional at revealing what we are good at, what gives us joy, and how we best function on a team. Things like Integrus360 assessments are helpful in seeing how these strengths are being perceived by our team and supervisors. These, along with targeted coaching, can shape and lengthen the trajectory of our careers and teach us how to maximize our joy and effectiveness in ministry.

FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO WIN

In any relationship, unspoken and unmet expectations can be one of the greatest contributing factors to frustration and division. The reality is that we exist in a ministry that’s not meant to be siloed, and so we must contend for clarity from our supervisors and pastors because not knowing what is expected of us is like playing the blindfolded version of “pin the tail on the donkey,” praying to God that we are hitting the right target. We must engage our supervisors with respect and curiosity and not be content to begin any initiatives without knowing what we are being held accountable for. Even if we disagree, at least we know what is expected of us, and this can avoid worlds of confusion and pain.

I am sure there are a thousand other pieces of advice that are helpful, but these helped me the most. I pray you will wrestle with them in your own life and ask God to help where you need it most.

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community:

1. Are you prioritizing your relationship with God and protecting your Sabbath?
2. What voices do you need in your life right now? (counselor, mentor, coach, etc.)

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