Sticking Together: Navigating Your Senior Pastor Relationship

OUR GET-ALONG SHIRT

Have you ever seen pictures online of siblings wearing their “get along” shirts? Parents will take an extra large t-shirt and put two siblings who are fighting together in the same shirt until they can work things out. I’m not sure how effective this is, but I imagine it’s interesting to watch! As a parent of two young kids, I’ve definitely been tempted to try this out with our kids. In some ways, a church can feel like God’s “get along” shirt, especially in the case of working on a church staff. A church staff often has different personalities that come together and work towards similar goals. At least, that’s one way it’s supposed to work. 

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It’s almost cliché at this point to describe the difficult relationships youth pastors may have with their senior pastor. You may have seen pictures or videos online that joke about the ‘laid-back’ youth pastor and the ‘uptight’ senior pastor. But I’ve found it to be true that both typically want the same thing, but in different ways.

SERVING TOGETHER

Challenges to that relationship might come from conflicting ideas about the future of the church, generational differences, or just issues with personalities. But at the end of the day, we are called by God to serve together and to serve one another. As 1 Peter 4:10 reminds us, “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.” Yes, you serve under him as your senior pastor, but do you actively serve him with the right spirit? Remember, we do not serve others in order that they would change, but rather, as we serve others, God changes us. The more we choose to intentionally love and actively serve those we disagree with, the Holy Spirit does a work in our hearts that makes it difficult to stay mad at them. God begins warming the embers of compassion in our cold hearts.

Yes, there are times when you have to leave a church because the issue is far more severe than personal differences. These could be moral failings on their part (or your part). But more often than not, I’ve seen people leave a church just when God is beginning to do a work in them. Typically, that work isn’t signaled by a growing youth group or personal success but by the challenges God allows in their lives, challenges that God wants to use to develop and discipline them into the person He has made them to be.

STICK WITH IT

When you feel like giving up or giving in, stick with it. Paul tells us in Galatians 6:9, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” It could be that your season of blessing is just around the corner of this season of hardship. Dig your heels in and stand your ground.

In one of the earliest churches I served at, I had an incredibly difficult time getting along with my senior pastor. We would have disagreements, and some of the comments he would make stayed with me for days afterward. Day in and day out, each cutting remark hurt more and more. I wanted to leave, hang it up, and do something easier… like bull riding. But God, in His grace, helped me stick with it. I realized over time that I still had a good deal of growing to do. Whether we’re the 20-something-year-old right out of seminary or the youth worker in their 50s, we all still have some growing to do.

HIDE OF A RHINOCEROS

Pastor and author Vance Havner once said, “A preacher should have the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child, and the hide of a rhinoceros. His biggest problem is how to toughen his hide without hardening his heart.” How is your heart? Maybe you need to take some time with the Lord; it might be an hour or maybe a weekend. The enemy loves to use our hurt and pain and twist it against us to make a less effective minister of the Gospel. Confess to God your anger and your bitterness; don’t give the enemy a foothold in your heart. Seek peace and reconciliation with your brother in Christ. I pray and hope that things slowly become better for you. Just remember that you are not alone, even if you feel like it. Find a group of youth pastors in your area and meet together once a month, or start your own group. There are lots of groups online, too, like Youth Pastors Only, where you can vent, ask for prayer, or just make some new friends. You’re welcome to reach out to me at the email address below, too. Stick with it, and don’t give up, friend!

rwdouglas04@gmail.com

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community:

• Is there any anger or bitterness in your heart that you need to confess to God right now? What steps might you need to take to let go of those hurt feelings?
• What are some ways that you can actively serve your senior pastor this week? Maybe offer to go out for coffee or write him a note telling him you’re praying for him.

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