4 Dangers For Every Youth Leader

The Inevitable

Benjamin Franklin is credited with saying, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes.” However, if there is one thing I have learned in my thirty years of life, it is that conflict is just as certain. Ever since the Fall in Genesis 3, mankind has turned his affections inward toward himself and away from God and others. Notice that the two great commandments are to (1) love God with all you are and (2) love your neighbor as yourself. There is no third command in Scripture to love yourself. In fact, the Scriptures assume a love of self in the wording of the second command. All sin falls under one (if not both) of the umbrellas of those two commandments. We constantly fail to love God and others well. This is a recipe for conflict.

We Christians are not exempt from the difficulties of conflict, and students seem to be especially susceptible. The potent cocktail of raging hormones, unfinished brain development, and sin are mixed up inside these creatures we call teenagers. Conflict is inevitable in youth ministry. As youth pastors/leaders/workers, we must know how to help students navigate the tumultuous waters of emotion, justice, forgiveness, and reconciliation that lie at the heart of conflict. While this article will not be comprehensive in addressing this problem, my prayer is that the Lord would use it to challenge you to trust Him with conflicts.

Peacemaking vs. Peacekeeping

There is a difference between peacemaking & peacekeeping. Peacemaking is a proactive pursuit of reconciliation and often requires leaning into conflict and not away from it. Peacekeeping is the pursuit of maintaining the semblance of calm or tranquility without necessarily addressing the underlying issue. Often, when trying to “keep peace,” problems go unaddressed and fester like wounds.

Jesus tells us that the peacemakers will be called “sons of God.” Just like a child resembles his father most when he acts like him, we Christians look most like our Heavenly Father while engaged in the work of peacemaking. God went to extraordinary lengths to make peace with sinners. God didn’t make peace with sinners by ignoring their sin, pretending everything was okay, or sweeping transgressions under the proverbial rug. No, God made “peace by the blood of His cross.” Making peace is often messy, painful, and difficult. Making peace is not pretending everything is okay or ignoring the problem. To make peace, we must be willing to face conflict with biblical resolve.

Church Discipline and Youth Ministry

Church discipline is God’s design for both spiritual growth and conflict resolution in the church. Theologians have typically recognized two aspects of church discipline: formative and corrective. Formative discipline is accomplished through the teaching ministry of the church. As believers listen to the Word of God preached, they seek to discipline themselves according to the teachings found within. We typically refer to this first aspect of church discipline as “discipleship.” Corrective discipline involves the confrontation of sin. However, its goal is never to punish but to restore.

Jesus anticipated that we would have conflict with one another and provided us with a process for facing it. In Matthew 18:15-20, Jesus provides us with a four-step process. Step one, if your brother sins against you, you must approach him one-on-one. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. If not, move on to step two. Step two, bring one or two others along to establish the charges. If he listens to you, the conflict is resolved. If not, move on to step three. Step three, bring the matter before the church. If he listens to the church, the conflict is resolved. If not, then move on to step four. Step four, he is to be treated as if he were lost (i.e., Gentile/tax collector) and put out of communion with the church. Notice that the goal of each step is to bring the sinning brother back into fellowship, not to punish him.

You may be thinking, “So, how do we use this in youth ministry? Surely, you’re not talking about excommunicating students!” Of course not. However, I think the principles found in Jesus’ four-step approach can be used to help students resolve their interpersonal conflicts in a God-honoring way.

Using the Steps with Students

Conflict: A student has come to you with hurt feelings because they are being cyberbullied by another student.

Step One: Encourage the student to approach the individual one-on-one. Help the hurt student to come up with biblical language to describe the offense. Teach the student that the goal is not vengeance but reconciliation. They are not confronting to condemn but to restore. Also, explain the requirement of forgiveness should the offender repent. If that fails, move on to step two.

Step Two: Parents should be notified of the conflict at this point. An adult or two should sit with the students, listen to both sides impartially, and seek a path of forgiveness and reconciliation. However, if the offending student is shown to be in the wrong and refuses to repent and seek forgiveness, move to the next step.

Step Three: This will likely be a meeting between the pastoral staff and the parents of both students. The charges will be explored and either dismissed or established. If they are established, and the one in sin refuses to repent and seek reconciliation, then move to the next step.

Step Four: Refuse to allow the student to participate in youth ministry activities until they are ready to repent and seek reconciliation.

Concluding Thoughts

This article is not an exhaustive exploration of this topic. There is much more to say than space allows. My goal in this article is to help you see the importance of making peace and to get you to consider how to use Jesus’ peacemaking process found in Matthew 18 with students. Most of the time, conflict is resolved in steps one or two. The question for us is, “Are we going to trust Jesus’ way of making peace?”

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community:

• What are some of the biggest struggles you face when it comes to getting students to solve disputes and conflicts in a God-honoring way? How have you tried to overcome this?
• How would you seek to implement Jesus’ model for conflict resolution in your ministry? Would it be different than the way this article suggests? Why or why not?