The Youth Pastor’s Guide to a Healthier Senior Pastor Relationship

When I was in middle school, I remember the dread of being called to the principal’s office. I still have the “old days” embedded in my mind, when the principal once spanked me with a wooden paddle. Crazy enough, that did happen to me! For many of us, there is a dread, not the same type of dread, but a dread in being called to the pastor’s office. It stirs up many of the same emotions and fears because there aren't many visits we have that are good experiences. For many of us, when we get the text, email, or phone call that the pastor wants to meet with us, it usually stirs thoughts about what we did wrong or who turned in a complaint. If you have a good relationship with your Senior Pastor and these meetings go well, cherish it. I have been at churches where I have a good relationship and at churches where it has been stressful and rocky.

My concern and fear is that for the majority of us, after the honeymoon period of time we are at a church, and the newness rubs off, there is a lack in the relationship with the Senior Pastor, and we have the feelings and experience as if we are being called into the principal’s office. If we step back and are honest, among a church’s staff, student ministers are probably the ones who push the most buttons and do things outside the box. We tend to have the most complaints.

We all desire a good, healthy relationship with our Senior Pastor, which raises the question of how to navigate it.

It is wise to have the right tools and supplies when navigating rough waters in a boat, such as an anchor, a life jacket, and paddles. In the same way, it is helpful to have the right tools to navigate the waters we may experience in our relationship with our Senior Pastor. Even if you are not in rough water, these tools can help you maintain a good relationship or help you when the waters are stirred.

Below are tools, attitudes, and mindsets that have helped me navigate my relationship with a Senior Pastor:

Don’t contribute to the problem.

I have told students many times over the years that, in relation to their parents, they should strive to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. The same mindset applies to us in our relationship with the Senior Pastor.

Identify your Senior Pastor's leadership style.

Is he authoritative and a micromanager? Do you feel empowered? Do you feel like relationships are a priority? Like you, God has created him to be a certain way. This will help you know how to approach and address issues you encounter.

Discover what can and cannot be discussed.

Pay attention during meetings. Make mental notes of what he will and will not discuss. Make it a time to learn about him. Sometimes an idea is great, but he isn’t ready for it and needs time to prepare or process. Maybe your idea will be used in 2 years, maybe never. Sometimes it is not the idea but how we pitch it. Be aware that, like a painting, we may not see the whole picture. My experience is that it is risky to reach a conclusion when we may see only a piece or corner of the painting, while he sees the whole picture, but may not be at liberty to explain all the details of his decision. 

Find out what he considers a touchdown for you and the student ministry.

What are his expectations of you and the ministry? Ask him in person or by email. Find the key metrics and the measure of success. Nothing would be more frustrating than thinking you are nailing it and scoring a touchdown, only to find out he is unhappy because you all are speaking different languages and are on two different pages. Know what is important to him and spend time in those areas.

Give him grace.

Cut him some slack. Put yourself in his shoes. He oversees all the ministries of the church, not just yours. He is busy dealing with the whole church and rarely has the margin just to hang out. Like many pastors, he usually has a handful of buckets to manage. Usually, if there is no meeting with you, it means you are doing well. This does not mean he is incapable of spending time with you; he has a lot on his plate. He is also human, which means he has a sinful nature and will mess up and not be perfect. Maybe your pastor is trying to figure out how to be a skilled communicator, team builder, leader, church visionary, financial supervisor, and more, all while being imperfect. He will make mistakes. Do not put him on a pedestal of perfection. Trust that God called him, God is using him, and maybe God is using him to mold you.

Respect and support him.

He is the one God has called to lead the church, even with his imperfections. It is wrong for you to walk around and cause division and strife among other staff members and the congregation. It does not matter your philosophies or preferences; those are not a cause for disrespect and division. This is a great call to put your pride aside. Encourage and lead others to support, love, and serve him.

Know when to stay and when to leave.

If you aren’t on the same page and can’t find common ground, maybe it’s time to move on respectfully and honorably. Maybe God is using this to redirect you. Redirect YOU, not him. Maybe, like Paul and Barnabas, you all have philosophical differences and are on different pages, and that’s okay. Maybe God has a different flavor of ministry and plan for you somewhere else, and that’s okay. Be in prayer and have a spirit of discernment when making these decisions.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it does get the brain juices flowing. Pick one area to work on this next week. Set it as a priority and work on it this week.

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community:

1. Put aside your feelings about what you think your pastor does right or wrong, and ask yourself honestly, what areas do you contribute to a successful or stressful relationship?
2. What friend in the ministry, preferably at a different church, could you bounce ideas off and get guidance from?