Don’t Give Your Family Your Leftovers

Today, I shut my computer at church with plenty of work still unfinished. There were texts I hadn't answered, emails still sitting in my inbox, an upcoming retreat to plan, and students I needed to follow up with. I could have easily stayed another two hours and still found more to do.

But I went home.

I walked through the back door to music blaring from my kids' rooms, my husband working on a project in the garage, and a house full of people I love who needed something different from me. They didn't need the girls' minister. They needed their mom and wife to be engaged, intentional, and present.

And that's the tension, isn't it?

I know the familiar thoughts: “I should answer one more text.” “I should prepare a little more.” “I need to be available.” “I can get One. More. Thing. Done.” In ministry, there will always be one more thing we could do. But I've had to wrestle with the reality that my family doesn't need the version of me that's left after everyone else has had my best.

For years, I’ve said I don’t really believe in work-life balance. Some weeks my family simply needs more of me. Other weeks, student ministry demands more: camp week, retreat weekends, or seasons when there is just a lot going on. I don’t think the answer is trying to divide our time perfectly between the two. I think it’s learning to recognize the season we’re in and putting healthy rhythms in place that help us love our families well while still doing the ministry God has called us to do.

I wish I could tell you I do all of this really well, but I don’t. Some weeks are better than others. But these are five things I keep coming back to when ministry starts taking over more of my life than it should.

Look Honestly at Your Calendar

Practically speaking, look at your calendar. Really look. Your calendar reveals your priorities just as clearly as your bank account reveals what you spend your money on.

Sometimes we need to keep a one-week time log and ask ourselves, "Where is my time bleeding?" What distractions (I’m talking to you, social media) have become habits? Or what am I saying “yes” to that doesn’t really matter?

We may find too much scrolling, unnecessary meetings, mindless television, online rabbit holes, or conversations that accomplish nothing. We all have the same 24 hours—even though, at times, we may beg God for thirty. Before we complain that there isn't enough time, we need an honest picture of how we're using the time we already have.

Schedule What Matters

One of the most impactful things for my time management has been moving beyond a to-do list and using time blocking (Google it). Instead of writing “answer emails,” “prepare lessons,” or “meet with parents,” I actually schedule time by blocking it out in my calendar to do those things.

Family time needs to go on our calendars too. That might mean scheduling dinner, date night, your daughter's volleyball game, or a walk with your spouse. Literally put 5:00–8:00 p.m. as “Family Time.”

Then, when someone asks, “Are you available at six?” the answer isn't, “Technically, yes.” No, you aren't available. You already have something important scheduled. Ministry can easily fill every available space. If your family only gets what's left on your calendar, they'll eventually begin to feel like what's left in your heart.

Learn to Say “No”

Let me be honest: saying “no” is hard for me. I’m working on it, so please don't take this as an expert opinion! But saying “no” is not selfish; it's stewardship.

In the little book The Tyranny of the Urgent (1994), Charles E. Hummel describes the constant tension between the important and the urgent. He writes, “If you withstand the urgency of the moment, you can weigh the cost and discern whether the task is God's will for you.” Ministry creates an almost endless supply of good things we can do, but good is not the same as necessary, and urgent is not the same as important.

One question I've been practicing lately is, “What am I saying no to when I say yes to this?” I’m also learning to give myself time before saying yes; to sit in the unknown for a bit before committing to something that may not fit with God's will for my life.

Don’t Give Them the Leftovers

I can remember seasons when student ministry got my best energy, my coworkers received my best attention, ministry got my creativity and emotional capacity, and my family got what was left over.

I don't want that for me, and I don't want that for you.

When you go home, sometimes leave your laptop at work. Turn your phone on silent. Look your family members in the face and ask questions. Don't just go home; be home.

Sometimes we need to recognize, “I've been giving my family the leftovers.” Maybe that means leaving work a little early or putting something on pause, so your family knows they are valued and important.

That's not failure in ministry. That's recognizing a season and adjusting accordingly.

Bring Your Family Along

Lastly, work and family don't always have to compete. There are beautiful opportunities for them to overlap. Bring your spouse and children and let them serve alongside you. Bring students home to sit around your dinner table, watch movies, or have a cookout. Pray for students together. Bring your family to camp, retreats, mission trips, or events when you can.

And communicate. Be honest about busy seasons. Ask your family to pray for you and encourage you. Then tell them, “When this is over, we're going to have some family time because you are my priority.”

Sometimes one of the healthiest things we can do is invite our family to join us on mission and in ministry.

I still don't believe perfect work-life balance exists. Some seasons will require more from our families, while others will require more from our ministries.

Maybe the goal isn't getting this perfectly right. Maybe it’s more of what Paul encourages us to do in  Colossians 3:23: to do everything as unto the Lord. So with our family, this looks like paying better attention: to where our time is going, to what we're saying yes to, and especially to the people waiting for us at home.

I know I won't always get it right, and neither will you. But I want to do ministry well without looking back one day and realizing that the people I love most only got what was left of me. For me, that's what I'm after: being faithful to the family He's given me and faithful to the ministry God has given me too.

Share your thoughts with others in our YM360 community: 

1. If your calendar really does reveal your priorities, what does yours say is most important to you right now?
2. Is there an area where ministry has been getting your best, and your family has been getting what's left? What is one change you could make this week?