Asking Questions About Social Networks, Youth Ministry, & Relationships
If you’re a youth worker, interacting with students through social networking is simply ingrained in how you do ministry. And while social networking creates a ton of connection points that are useful in building relationships, it also presents some challenges. For instance . . .
Have you ever gone to one of your student’s social media profiles to send a quick message or leave a comment for them, only to find out that your once-friend has un-friended you? (Ouch.) I have. And let me tell you, there’s nothing like the feeling of being un-friended by one of your students (or former students).
When it happened, my immediate knee-jerk reaction was to think they didn’t want me to have access to their life in that way. Maybe they were hiding something. Or maybe they didn’t want their youth minister watching them interact with their friends. Whatever the reason, I had to figure out how I was going to deal with this potentially uncomfortable situation.
When this has happened to me, and it has happened more than once, I decided in the moment that I shouldn’t intrude on their life by friending them back. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want them to have to face an awkward interaction with me. Or maybe I just didn’t want to be a Facebook creeper.
And then the other day it hit me.
What if the students who un-friended me are upset I didn’t pursue them? What if they wanted me to re-connect with them? What if they wanted someone to miss them? It occurred to me that they may very well think I didn’t even realize they un-friended me, and therefore, they aren’t important to me.
They may think I didn’t notice they were gone.
While this isn’t true, of course, I’ve learned one simple rule about students:
Perception is reality.
I wrote this post because I want to kick off a conversation. I wanted to hear from youth workers who might have experienced the same thing, or at least have thoughts on the subject. So . . . what do you think?
- What would you do if you were in my shoes? Maybe you have been in my shoes. If so, what did you do? Did you “friend” students back? Did you ignore it?
- Do you read anything into the fact that you were un-friended?
- Did you ever get a chance to talk to the student about it?
- Does this speak to a greater issue of how we negotiate relationships via social networking?
- If you have been around long enough to watch social media change relationships, what do you think about how we now interact relationally through social media?
- Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
Before you answer yes to that last one, hear me say this: I know this may seem like a small problem in a world of huge problems. And in some ways, it is. But here’s the deal: I don’t want our students to fall through the cracks!
This is obviously a symptom of an issue in relationship with our students. And issues of relationship are serious issues.
Let’s get the dialogue started. I’d love to hear from you.
Mark Cox is the Student Pastor at Indian Springs Baptist Church just outside of Little Rock, Arkansas. You can catch up with him at his blog at thinknextnow.com, on Facebook, or Twitter.
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Hi Mark,
I do not think you are making too big a deal of this at all. I am a Youth Leader to 30+ kids and I communicate with most of them via facebook or texting. I often get teased by adults and friends who are not in a position to keep in touch with a large group of middle school teens. My response? I smile and take it, knowing that I will most likely recieve a text prayer request or a critical fb msg, that a day from several different students. This is how most kids communicate now, not passing notes or using the house phone. I too have had some un- friending experiences on fb from a few students. I asked them directly what happened. One kid stated that he was caught in a group msg I’d sent, and everytime someone on that thread posted a reply it would cause his phone to beep. Not knowing how to disconnect from the thread he simply un-friended me. Another time it was because one of the girls parents had used removing her from fb as a punishment. Just yetserday I found a post from a student that read ” I dont think God likes me.” I responded to this student and was able to minister to her for an hour on that msg thread. My husband and I pick up 10 + students to transport them to Youth Group each Wed, everyone facebooks or texts us for ride confirmation. As Youth leaders/ministers we are in relationships with kids. We look for Christ centered cirriculum, game ideas, and even snacks that interest them. All those efforts are out of love to desciple them so they too can know Jesus. I have recently recieved several “Please pray for me”, “I Love Jesus” and even scripture vs. on my fb and phone txts from students who did not know Jesus a few months ago. We meet them where they are and do whatever it takes. Sincerely, Kristin Broome
Kristin,
Thanks for your comment. At ym360, we’re so thankful for people like you and your husband and your commitment to seeing God’s Kingdom advance through ministering to young people. We’re here to support you in any way we can. Dont hesitate to let us know what we can do for you.–Andy@ym360
Kristin, Right on! I love hearing the stories of how others relate to their students. Thanks so much for taking the time to let me in on that! Just asking them is something I’ve been afraid to do thus far, knowing that there’s the possibility of the awkward moment. Thanks again!
Mark,
I would overlook the offense, yet pursue the person. This is broad but I really like Ken Sande’s book Peacemaking. In regards to conflict and confrontation with issues that are too serious to overlook (dishonor God, damaged a relationship), I use these simple principles that apply broadly to many situations.
1. Glorify God: How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation? (draw attention to his grace, use conflict as an opportunity to serve others)
2. Get the log out of your eye: How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict? (This sounds weird in applying to social media but social media has a new version of conflict such as your example. This is not implying you did anything wrong, I’m just giving you his principles)
3. Gently restore: How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution toward this conflict?
4. Go and be reconciled: How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?
But your post has brought up a broader question for me. I’m a college pastor and I am seeing our freshman class bring in a huge generational difference. Andy, that article on hyper texting was dead on. Our sophmore’s are personal, relatable, many introverted yet engaging in conversation. Our freshman group is majority extroverts, yet disengaged in conversation. Antisocial yet social!
It’s the oddest thing I’ve ever seen. I really believe it is a part of the generation that started receiving cell phones at ages 12 and 13. Many have no desire to get to know the upperclassman and are always texting. They only want to interact with a distinct few of other texters.
Has this been a reality for youth ministers?
Based off the trends I am seeing, I highly suggest you teach on “The Gospel & Media” and educate youth and students how the gospel relates to media.
Brian, Love the feedback, man. I need to think some more on what you are saying about what you are seeing in your college kids. I think we have yet to see the impact social networking will really have on relationships; but as this current generation of highschoolers emerges into college, I believe we can begin to start making some observations based on a good sample size. We seriously need to go grab coffee.–Andy
Brian, I think the generational difference is as solid as it looks to you. As each group graduates, the next generation looks a little different (or maybe a lot different!). I guess that’s why I’m trying to learn from all this. It’s really only a sign of more to come, I think. And to be clear, I’m not afraid to love a generation that may have a hard time relating, or relate differently than in the past; I feel like we need to continually learn what they’re all about, so that we can continue reaching them where they’re at. Thanks man!
[...] This is an excerpt from an article I wrote for YouthMinistry360. Check out the full article there. [...]